when God doesn't feel 'close'

I may not have blogged much about it, but last year, God just blew. my socks. off. Looking back, I wish I had recorded His faithfulness to me. I mean, I have it in my head, but there are crazy tiny little things that He did that even 3 or 4 months later, I don't remember. 

I was having a discussion with one of my friends about how much I felt like God was showing me. I began to wonder, why is He teaching me this? He wants me to apply it, but I felt like there was something big coming. Basically, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't like that I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For my world to come crashing down around me. But, I just knew eventually it would. Eventually I wouldn't be in my Bible every day. Eventually, God would feel distant. Eventually I would wonder where He went. Why He went. 

I can't say exactly when it happened, but right around the beginning of the year, the shoe dropped. I was working my way through 'Experiencing God' and was on a roll. I can still tell you the first three weeks worth of memory verses. But suddenly, I didn't have time to actually get the homework done in a week. I hate to admit that halfway through February and I think I'm mid-way through the 5th week. Think. How sad. I don't even know. It sits by my bed. I pick it and my Bible up when I head out the door some mornings planning to do it on my lunch break, but then it just lays in my passenger's seat. It moves from place to place, unopened. 

I think back to over a year ago when I decided I was going to stop living in the flesh and really 'walking' in the Spirit. I had tried and tried and tried again to be a 'good Christian' but after two weeks would put my Bible down not to be picked up again (outside of Sunday's and Wednesday's) for months on end. I was wondering why every time I tried to live for God, it felt like I was spinning my wheels and was more tired than I was to begin with. Then I heard a sermon on John 15 and 'abiding'. Suddenly I realized what my problem was. 

Well, a year later and it's the same old story. I've gotten awfully good at living in the flesh and doing things in my power. Like, really. I'm an expert. {Sadly}.

So, I sit here and wait and pray and ask for God to take over me. Help me realize that I'm nothing and He's everything. That "apart from Me you can do nothing." To let it sink in and remember.

Abide.

Abide.

Abide. 

There's a live video from Passion that came out yesterday of Christy Nockel's singing a song "Waiting Here for You" and it has been on repeat on my computer all day today. The words are below and I just keep praying them. I think they're a pretty good prayer. 

If faith can move the mountains

Let the mountains move

We come with expectation

Waiting here for You

Waiting here for You.

You’re the Lord of all creation, and still you know my heart

The Author of salvation, You’ve loved us from the start

{chorus}

Waiting here for You

With our hands lifted high in praise.

And it’s You we adore

Singing alleluia

You are everything You promised, Your faithfulness is true

We’re desperate for Your presence

All we need is You.

{chorus}

Singing alleluia

Alleluia

Singing alleluia

Alleluia

{chorus 3x}

Singing alleluia

"We're desperate for Your presence. All we need is You."

Oh Lord, make it true. 

{This post prompted by Toya's post today about remaining, and the fact that we're studying "walking in the Spirit" tonight. It's hard to teach college students to walk in the Spirit when you're doing a poor job yourself. Thankfully, there's grace.}