Sunday, August 23, 2009

broken and beautiful

Wow, it has been an interesting 3 or 4 days since I last posted and my mind is everywhere. So many things going on and I don't even really know where to start. So, I'll just...start.

Thursday I found myself having the need to just be broken before God...and some friends. I'd discovered that for the past month or so I've been holding onto fears...

Will I keep my job? (Performance ratings were coming out).
Can I pay all my bills?
Will I find a new job?
Please don't make me work with this person again...
What if I get a flat tire?
What if I get in a car accident? (Yes seriously).

and on and on.

and on.

This holding on to fear was ruining my life!! It's not that I wasn't a happy person but this fear was strangling the life out of me and something had to be done...quick! Well Thursday it all boiled up into one big mess and the pot it was in couldn't hold it anymore. I cried and cried and cried...and cried. I had to admit to God that I was holding on so tightly to those fears (even though He already knew) and ask him to replace those fears with faith to trust in Him.

I never really thought about it before but God wants us to ask Him for faith. He wants us to trust Him because that's the best plan. Faith in Him. So I prayed, "Lord, increase my faith, help me to realize (and believe) that You're in control of every little thing in my life."

Along the same lines, I have a tendency to worry about insignificant much anxiety. So along with asking God to give me faith, I asked Him for peace. Peace to help me not worry and to give every worry and anxious or nervous thought to Him. While it's only been a couple of days, I can already see that He has been granting me peace and an increased faith to fight those fears that pop up. A good verse to show us God's want for peace in our lives is John 14:27 (and one of my favorites).

I once heard confession does a soul good. While I'm not sure about the confessions of sin to a priest or other clergy member, Ezra 10:11 says "Now then make confession to the LORD, the God of your fathers, and do his will" (ESV). May we always come before God and confess to Him our sin, problems, hopes and dreams. Being broken, even though it may hurt, so that God can administer to us His perfect and amazing grace.

I also felt led by the Spirit to confess sin in my life to some friends which I had taken advantage of. How sweet the feeling of knowing that you are living and doing right by your brothers and sisters in Christ (and unbelievers for that matter). I can't explain the feeling of knowing that there is nothing separating me from their love, nor the love of God. I can't really explain it very well, but, that's my feeble attempt.

I now realize in the future with my weak-willed ways of holding on to fears, I have to confess these things to God every day.

Every hour.

Every minute...

We'll see how it goes. Please pray that I can hold fast to obeying His commandment and confess to Him these things.

On a sidenote, for those of you who like to read. I strongly recommend Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Tim LaHaye. It's a very good book that I finished in a couple of hours (although the version the link goes to is an extended edition), and it really helped me come to grips with not only what were my strengths but some of my weaknesses (like fear, worry, lack of self-control, etc.). You may want to check out your church library, maybe they have it, but it's pretty cheap on Amazon.

I hope everyone's had a blessed weekend and that the week to come is just as blessed :)

Grace, peace and NO FEAR! :)

P.S. When I was googling 'brokenness' (to see how to spell it), I found this really great little article on being broken before God. You should read it.

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